Yes, the G-Wagen has been sold in America for over ten years by now. In fact, it's been sold around the world since 1979. But I'm focusing on the G500, since it is now the cheapest way you can get into a G-Wagen (unless you find an older grey-imported one) from the 1980s or early 1990s. And even then, those can't be cabriolets, since those still command high prices. Let's see what kind of drivers (other than anybody with the last name Kardashian) that G500s attract.
Age Group: Usually in their late 20s and early to mid 30s. Usually they're the Euro-trash wannabe bros who want to look better than those guys with H2s but are absolutely no better than them in attitude. But the women who drive them fall into the same age group too. They want to stand out from the Q5/X3/GLK drivers.
Occupation: This actually varies. A lot of them are in sales and marketing, but could also be individual contractors. Or like Doug DeMuro, who owned one, they could be automotive writers who want to ascertain how much hate will be directed towards them in a wannabe rich person vehicle.
Residence: Somewhat newly-built upscale apartment complex or neighborhood with many new McMansions. Whatever the case, those places were built anywhere between 2005 and 2009, the years of the building boom.
Leased or Bought: Bought because anyone who owns a G500 (provided they haven't been exported to Eastern Europe) has bought them secondhand at either auction or (more likely) from the Mercedes-Benz dealer as a lease return. And the finance deals were probably really good. But they didn't see that balloon payment coming...
Intended Use for Car: Take it on the Rubicon and show those Hummer guys a thing or two. Look like the most successful salesperson in the office and show off the spoils with getting the highest commissions. Show those Hummer guys what real success is. After all, the H2 was never used by the US armed forces, unlike the numerous armies that use G-Wagens.
Actual Use for Car: Posing in upscale mall parking lots. Emulating whatever the stars of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" do, since all of them have G-Wagens. Then becoming surprised when no one treats you like Kim and Khloe are treated on that show, which will surprise the G500 owner immensely when he or she walks into a Neiman Marcus. (I could be totally wrong about all of this since I've never actually watched any Kardashian show.)
Attitude Towards Maintenance: Maintenance, pah! Not until something goes very wrong. Those Mercedes mechanics take way too much money out of your spray tanning fund (let alone the gasoline fund). So they'll ignore the warning lights that even very well-maintained G500s have. Also, that money can be used for new chrome rims since the Mercedes wheels are so "normal." If the transfer case breaks, it probably won't be fixed, because it's not as if they were really going to go off-road.
Car They Wish They Had: It would still be a G-Wagen, but one of those brand-new AMG ones. Because what drives them insane is when someone with a AMG G-Class "acts" better than them at a gas station or the Louis Vuitton boutique. Probably a G63 since they don't sell the G65 here. Otherwise, there would be a lot of crashes throughout the LA area. Nine out of ten of them would involve a Kardashian.
Car They'll Recommend to Others: Range Rover, any of them from the Evoque to the Sport, to ensure they're the only ones with a G500. They'll recommend H2s to their "frenemies." Never mind the fact that Hummers have been out of production for some time. All they know are the big SUVs that say "F*** you" to everyone else on the road.
Car They'll Want At the Rental Counter: They'll mention at first that they have a G500, then note the rental company isn't sophisticated enough for not having a G-Wagen on hand. Eventually, they'll get an Escalade or Navigator after much banter with the attendant about why there aren't enough high-end cars. And yes, they'll pay full price, which is extremely high for those SUVs.
Driver Profiles is a recurring feature on Clunkerture. Anyone is free to create their own Driver Profiles from this form, since I'm not qualified to write profiles on some car owners, like the people who run Pontiac Fieros and Alfa Romeo Breras. Feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you'd like your piece to be featured.
Photo Credit: Mercedes-Benz